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  • Writer's pictureMichael Barrett

Four Minute Friday #6 - Authentic vs Amicable, Men/Women & Branding.

Being Authentic Vs Just being Amicable.

We don’t need to (and can't, in a practical sense) reach 100% self sufficiency.

However, as we mature, we ideally become increasingly self sufficient.

One important metric of maturity is the ability to secure basic needs for ourselves.

At this point we become an asset to the community rather than a liability.

You can now contribute and help others!

Ideally a mature human can:

Authentically express themselves in a socially calibrated manner.

They can request what they need without causing social disruption.

Unfortunately, the maturation process gets disrupted in many people.

This is the Authenticity vs Attachment discussion (with my own take).

Children need lots of outside help to secure their basic needs.

Children are clumsy at expressing themselves and managing their emotions.

Adults have the job of guiding children into increasingly skillful self expression.

This is a stressful and oftentimes inconvenient job for the adults.

Especially amongst all their other responsibilities.

Threading the needle of fostering a child’s authentic expression, while also:

Socially conditioning a child to fit in with their peers and society.

This is a really difficult balance.

How the breakdown often occurs:

The parents squash the child’s clumsy authentic expression in favour of shaping behaviour conducive to the child fitting in.

This happens to some degree in even the most well meaning families

The child learns that authentic expression can be dangerous.

Because "it causes problems between me and the people who take care of me".

This is a problem because:

"If they stop taking care of me, I can’t take care of myself."

The safest solution for the child is to:

Suppress authentic expression.

This is very common and it’s a very successful strategy.

For the child, the downside is quite limited.

The more the child gets what they need this way,

The less they need authentic expression.

So their authentic expression goes underdeveloped.

The older this child gets, the more they are expected to be able to satisfy their own needs.

Unfortunately this is difficult with their underdeveloped self expression.


Their brief experience of authentic expression taught them only the dangers.

They have limited experience (if any) of the benefits of authentic expression.

This is the birth of the Amicable adult.

Amicable, not because they want to be but because they have no other choice.

Of course, a fully functioning adult must know how to express themselves amicably.

But they must also know how to authentically express themselves too.

You need both as a foundation for:

Solid self respect.

Solid respect from others.

All of this is required before you have a chance of effectively creating the outcomes you want in the world. The good news is:

Authentic expression is just a skillset to be learned.

And like a muscle, trained over time.

Underdeveloped Authentic Expression is very common and it's standing in your way.

Individuals who can authentically express themselves (skilfully) are significantly more useful to others. Being amicable works most of the time but the world is always testing you. You won't get far if Amicability is your only trick. There is a time and place for all modes of expression.

Those who are taken seriously and have the capacity to shape the outcomes they want, understand this.

A final note before four actionable steps:

Prioritising your authentic expression isn't an excuse for clumsy self expression.

The attitude of "I say what I think, you always know where you stand with me" is juvenile, lazy and inconsiderate.

Four Steps for Cultivating Your Authentic Self Expression:

  1. Identify where you currently curtail your authentic expression and why you do this.

  2. Believe that your (well intentioned) self expression if worthy of expression.

  3. Improve your communication and emotional intelligence. (Often people would use their authentic expression if they could do so skilfully).

  4. Intentionally practice in increasingly higher stakes scenarios.

Where are you at now?

Behind and need to catch up (-1>0)

Stable but want to be better (0>1)

Maintaining through life changes (1>1)

Accomplished with BIG ambitions (1>2)

Calibrated authentic self expression is something that all stages can benefit from.

Those at the extremes often have the biggest benefit.

(-1>0) Can result in drastically improved effectiveness.

(1>2) Often result in breaking through a current plateau to new exponential results on the other side.

Why Men and Women Can't Live Together...

Women are Variance - They crave, Depth.

Men are Depth - They crave, Variance.

Because women are variance: change, movement and variation feel like home.

Because men are depth: peace, consistency and stillness feel like home.

Women crave depth to feel most secure.

But just enough, too much, quickly becomes… boring.

Men crave variance to feel most free.

But just enough, too much, quickly becomes… exhausting.

A woman in Variance, is 'at home'.

A man in Depth is, 'at home'.

And thus

Men and women, can never be 'at home' together.

When 'together',

Someone is always, just visiting.

Being a visitor has its perks,

But in the end, most people just want to go home.

It's not something to be solved or fixed.

It is what it is.

As its meant to be.

Understand > Accept > Adapt

Synced Visuals Across Platforms.

Across all my platforms you'll now see:

The dark background with Copper and Grey colour palette.

The Phrase: Solid Through Time

More on this to come.

Example from My X Banner:


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